Big beast Kenneth Clarke is just a Tory white elephant

Sssh! If you listen carefully you can hear a distant trumpeting ­ - a big political beast is on the move. Actually, there's no need for any quiet at all, because there's been a wholesale change in the political habitat since this old pachyderm (Kennethus clarkeus) was last on the prowl, and his legendary aggression is now wholly ineffective.

Besides that, there isn't much jungle for Clarke to even hide in, now global warming has put paid to his cover. Not that he's likely to admit it, given that during his long career on the Tory benches Clarke has never so much as voted in a single division on environmental issues.

Still, on Clarke charges, his grey flannel hide wrinkled, his panatella breath smoking; on one side of his jazzy trunk there's the fearsome tusk of his political experience: he held ministerial office throughout both Thatcher's premiership and Major's; during the latter's he was Chancellor for six years. No wonder the two bumptious mahouts ­ Cameron and Osborne ­ who cling to his broad back, are in awe of him.

For all his saloon bar shtick, Ken Clarke is a paid-up member of the political class

But I say: hang on a sec, you wallahs, how does old Ken's time at No 11 really equip him for the current mess the British economy's in?  Clarke didn't clean up the mess after Black Wednesday, he only profited from a recovery that was already underway, ­ just as it was Denis Healey who really did the vicious-but-fair things Thatcher is remembered for.

True, Clarke did balance the budget, and deliver a basic rate tax cut, but at what price? It's generally agreed that under-funding of schools and hospitals during the Major government was disastrous.

Not that this would bother the venerable bull, because for all his corner-of-the-saloon bar, blokeish shtick, Clarke is an elitist member of the political class through and through; a former president of the Cambridge Union, a barrister with silk, a member of the Bilderberg Group he is, was, and always will be identified with the Thatcherite ideology that monetary policy is the key to sustainable economic growth.

The trouble for the pipsqueaks riding on the big beast's back is that this particular tusk is broken off at the root, and nothing Clarke stands for, really, can be thrust in the Government's face. After all, this isn't just a political creature, its one with a hefty collection of non-exec directorships, including ­ - Gulp! ­ - a hedge fund. He's one of the capitalist pigs (sorry, that should read 'enlightened entrepreneurs'), who helped get us into this mess.

As for Clarke's other tusk, well, this was always a little paradoxical. ­ Monetarist he may have been (albeit a touch flabby around the middle), ­ but the big beast was never an unashamed bulldog.

Au contraire, Clarke has always been a vocal and enthusiastic supporter of the European ideal. ­ Its attraction to the still bigger businessman sewn into his big beast's skin is ineluctable; and it was actually this quirk that made him so much more considerable a politician - this was Clarke's 'vision thing'.

Unfortunately, Clarke's rampaging ambition is no match for the ivory of his conviction, and in order to become Shadow Business Secretary, he has unceremoniously fallen on his tusk, and abandoned his belief that Britain should adopt the euro and move towards closer European integration.

Peter Mandelson is first and foremost a master of mass communication and spin

It's ironic, really, because with bank shares fluttering to the ground like confetti, joining the euro ­ on top of nationalising the banks ­ may be the only thing that stands in the way of Britain becoming another Iceland.

Some pundits have been comparing Kennethus clarkeus to another big political beast that was thought to be extinct, namely, the feline and sabre-toothed Peteris mandelsonensis. However, while they may be facing off against each other, Mandelson is first and foremost a master of those distinctively modern political arts, mass communication, marketing and spin.

Mandy may have been at the Northern Ireland Office, but no one ever thought he owed his position to a deep understanding of Irish political history. Clarke's electioneering gifts are distinctly more modest; he's held a safe seat since the Julian calendar was adopted, and his three tilts at the Tory leadership have ended in ignominious failure.

No, I'd have to say that Messrs Cameron and Osborne, far from making an inspired choice in this reshuffle, have ended up with big beast all right. The trouble is, he's a white elephant. ·