Miliband postures in the heart of Congo’s darkness

It seems to me that while he's been rustling up cash in the Gulf, and shaking hands with Al Qaeda supporters at their lavish Saudi rehab, the Prime Minister has let himself be distracted from his own enemy within. Once the Saudis get back their own misguided nationals from the hell of Guantanamo, they subject them to a 'soft' regime that includes yoga classes, a fridge full of Mars bars, and the instruction of moderate imams. If Gordon Brown had been on the ball, he would've researched whether a similar programme could be adapted for the extremist viper in his own increasingly ample bosom.

I refer, of course, to David 'Helmet Hair' Miliband, the soi disant Foreign Secretary. Unlike Brown, who, due to his deep and principled commitment to his own career, fence-sat over Iraq and the War on Terror, Miliband has never made any secret of his devout belief in the advancement of democracy and human rights through the barrel of a cut-rate gun. For him there is still a Rousseau-like State of Nature, in which left to their best instincts, representative humans would invariably choose the system of government that results in the election of leaders exactly like… David Miliband. His smarmy leadership challenge may now have slid down the greasy pole - given the lobby fodder's renewed confidence in the Prime Minister - but Miliband continues to strut about the world mouthing the same old watered-down Blairite Neocon tosh.

Miliband believes in the advancement of democracy through the barrel of a gun

This week it's central Africa – but no doubt next week will see him telling us how vital to national security is General Petraeus's proposed surge in Afghanistan. Miliband and his new buddy - his French counterpart, Bernard Kouchner - have been gassing with those titans of humanitarianism, African Union officials, in Dar-es-Salaam, and Helmet Hair's message to the leaders of Congo and Rwanda is stark: "The world is watching. Everyone is haunted by the memories of the 1990s. All sides have to live up to their stated responsibilities."

Where to begin with the deconstruction of this curious rhetorical inversion? Let's start with the "everyone is haunted". No, David, not everyone, only the Western politicians who stood idly by a watched the Rwandan genocide of 1994 happen. The Tutsis who now rule Rwanda and the Tutsi militias they indirectly control in the DRC – they aren't "haunted", they're seething with rage, as are the renegade Hutus who committed the original killings. As for the Congolese caught up in it, they're terrorised, brutalised, raped and murdered – not "haunted" at all.

As for everyone "living up to their stated responsibilities"; on Monday's Today programme the Foreign Secretary was quick to deny the primarily economic basis of this, only the latest instalment of the Congo's eponymous role as the heart of darkness. Miliband might care to consider – John Humphrys gently suggested – the reining in of the British multinationals whose grotesque exploitation of Congolese natural resources (aided and abetted by a rogues gallery of local warlords and dictators) has resulted in an armed meltdown that's seen millions die. But oh no, as befits a politician, the Foreign Secretary was far keener on the political dimension.

It's not that I object to Helmet Hair's jaw-jawing, I think diplomacy should always be the prosecution of war by other means. It's simply that I can't stand the hypocrisy to which this Foreign Secretary – like so many before him – is conspicuously addicted. When asked about the possibility of committing troops, he said "nothing is ruled out", but Britain is simply not in a position to do this. Instead, there's a UN peacekeeping force that in the past has been a by-word for corruption and banditry. Ultimately, what does Miliband's "the world is watching" threat really amount to, save the voyeurism of a punch-drunk former champ on the world stage? Because, apart from Robin Cook's 'ethical foreign policy', which was quickly strangled at birth by order of BAE Systems and its cronies at the MOD, there's been no substantive new thinking on British foreign policy since Suez – and Helmet Hair isn't about to change that.

Of course, the truth may well be, that just as Al Qaeda mounts its monstrous spectaculars with the ulterior aim of humiliating the Muslim umma into action, so Miliband's posturing is nothing to do with the Congo, Rwanda, or the UN at all, but rather a roundabout rallying call to his diehard Blairite cronies on the Labour benches. If I were the Prime Minister I'd be scared, because it'll take more than a fridge full of Mars bars to soften up this antagonist. ·