Behind ‘Cool Cornwall’ lies paradise lost

That annoyingly self-effacing bloke married to the self-absorbed former single mum who manage to match the progression of their love life to various telecommunications products in BT's current TV advertising campaign has 'run off to Cornwall to start on his dream job'.

For centuries Cornwall has been the temptress of the British Isles. Lost souls searching for 'an idyllic rural lifestyle' are only too welcome to part with their cash for a mould-ridden cottage in an overcrowded seaside village which soon becomes a nightmarish prison of damp-induced arthritis and beach attacks by the posh yobs of Rock and Polzeath.

Cornwall is essentially a deprived post-industrial backwater with some nice bits that are generally over-crowded, impossible to park in, and utterly hostile to incomers. It is sold to incomers with the 'icons' of the Eden project and Jamie Oliver's Fifteen restaurant and an 'inspirational' coastline. Lured by a fanfare of cliches - 'knowledge economy, life-work balance, great place to bring up the kids...' and the propaganda of countless regeneration quangos that impose their policies on the long-suffering colonised Cornish, the immigration and emigration patterns of Cornwall are like those of a fairground ghost train ride. Starry-eyed city dwellers climb aboard only to emerge from the experience mentally, physically and financially spent. Disappointed, disenchanted, they are consoled only by the fact that their fellow adventurers will suffer exactly the same fate.

It is easy to see why BT's marketing department has seized on Cornwall's supposed 'knowledge economy'. Chuck a few WiFi spots around and suddenly this little Celtic nation is the land of sun, sea and laptops populated by eco-geeks with half-built barn conversions and micro renewable energy businesses.

So now we are plagued with episodic BT ads featuring 'Cool Cornwall' as the backdrop to the japes of this trendily dysfunctional family, drawing parallels with the socio-economic issues surrounding modern communications. But what next for the slightly emotionally scarred ex-single mum and the step-sprogs? Of course they can move to Cornwall if they want to, but they need to know that there are some places in the county that are now virtually no-go zones for youngsters and adults alike.

"Some parts of Cornwall are so dangerous the politicians will refuse to even discuss it," warns a crime prevention professional. "That's because the tourists and quango chiefs are obsessed with marketing Cornwall as a yuppie lifestyle destination."

The dilapidated industrial backwater town of Redruth, generally known in Cornish-speak as 'Dead Rough' – the cabbies call it 'Beirut' – has suffered intolerably high levels of anti-social behaviour, ranging from drug related crime (Redruth has one of the highest proportions of heroin addicts in the UK), to full-scale running battles between gangs of youths in the high street. Now a police-enforced curfew – under 10s have to be indoors by 6pm, under 16s indoors by 9pm – ensures the streets of Redruth are eerily quiet. The charity shops, pound shops and derelict warehouses seem safe from vandalism for the moment.

One pre-curfew incident saw children as young as six attacking terrified adults as they left a town centre pub. On the same night unconscious diners had to be dragged back into a restaurant, and barricaded inside, as thugs ran riot in the streets. The limited police service was unable to respond due to various reports of a man running amok with a knife elsewhere in the district.

We can be reasonably sure that BT's stepdad bloke, surfing the sea when he isn't surfing the net, will see little of Cornwall's deprived areas, preferring to confine himself to the rugged coast and rolling countryside.

As well from yobs and quangos, Cornwall has seen threats against the 'English Colonisers' by the fiercely patriotic Cornish. The BT commercial episode that we won't see will be hip couple being run out of their quaint little fishing village by the 'quirky Cornish characters' with whom they try to mingle.

Loic Rich is a Truro City Councillor for Mebyon Kernow - the Party for Cornwall. ·