Take That win best British group at colourless Brits

If there were award shows for award shows - and thank God there aren't - then it's unlikely the Brits would even get a nomination. The Brits' attempt to borrow the defining qualities of the Grammys (the star names), the VMAs (the staging) and the Mercury Music Prize (the credibility) is a failure. Instead it manages to come across as a shoddy imitation of all three and has little identity of its own.

A Bafta means something – but a Brit award means nothing at all. The only reason a US-based act will travel to the Brits is if they have been assured of victory.

It was then no surprise whatsoever to see audience members Justin Bieber, Cee-lo Green and Arcade Fire crowned without having to say sorry to any losing nominees - because those losing nominees (like virtually all the losing nominees) weren't there! Turn up and you win a pencil. If you're not going to win, why bother? That in essence is what is wrong with the Brits - it's an industry stitch-up.

This though ultimately doesn't matter to most viewers or those there on the night. As Roger Daltry - who presented Mumford & Sons with the award for best British album - put it, it's nice to see the British music industry can still organise a booze-up.

All we really wanted, at home watching on TV, was a few embarrassing live telly moments or a bit of razzle dazzle. It was in short supply.

Take That performed with a dance troupe who looked like the cast of Glee re-enacting the kettling of students in Trafalgar Square - complete with TT branded riot shields. Later, accepting the award for best British group, they wobbled on stage wearing an assortment of garments that made them look as if they'd covered themselves in Pritt Stick and rolled around a Cancer Research Shop with their eyes shut. It was not pretty and neither was their rambling speech which culminated in Robbie saying "shabba" - a catchphrase last popular at the turn of the millennium.

There is one thing the Brits amply highlights and that is that pop stars have no idea how to accept awards. Graceless, humourless, charmless and inarticulate, their attempts to thank everyone at their record label sound insincere, and their pretence at surprise seems fake.

At least winners Rihanna (best international female), Arcade Fire (best international group) and Tinie Tempah (best British breakthrough act and best British single) seemed happy to have won. Mumford & Sons just looked embarrassed, this gaudy circus of the vanities not sitting too well with their farm labourer image perhaps. Or maybe they were just uncomfortable winning with an album that was first released in 2009.

That's another problem with the Brits - it all feels a little out of date and off the pace. One of my favourite bands, The National, were nominated in the best international breakthrough act category, yet they've been releasing records since 2001.

The Brits has an "anything goes" reputation but nothing controversial has actually happened at the Brits for a decade. The drunken rebellion it once stoked seems a distant memory: by past standards, last night was a very tame and uncontroversial affair. No swearing, no mooning, no stage invading. Plan B was obviously enjoying himself on something other than Sauvignon Blanc, but otherwise the pop royalty and their middle-aged minders were as sober as a judge.

James Corden managed to be a competent if slightly irritating host, mingling with the audience as if he had a restraining order preventing him from standing onstage. His most disturbing moment was smelling Justin Bieber's face; that apart, he did a fine job at making us believe this was the most exciting evening of his life.

The biggest talking point of the night was Rihanna's performance. She's a great pop star and a fantastic modeler of big pants but her miming skills bordered on the can't be arsed to even try. Arcade Fire were undoubtedly the musical triumph of the night - they actually played their instruments and sounded pretty good, a stunning achievement in the cavernous O2 Arena.

All in all, it wasn't a terrible night but then it wasn't much fun either. Maybe next year they should invite Sam Fox and Mick Fleetwood back for a repeat performance of their mid-80s disasterthon. On second thoughts…

THE WINNERS:

• British male solo artist: Plan B

• British female solo artist: Laura Marling

• British breakthrough act: Tinie Tempah

• British group: Take That

• British single: Pass Out by Tinie Tempah

• British album of the year: Sigh No More by Mumford & Sons

• International male solo artist: Cee Lo Green

• International female solo artist: Rihanna

• International breakthrough act: Justin Bieber

• International group: Arcade Fire

• International album: The Suburbs by Arcade Fire

• Critics' Choice: Jessie J ·