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Sex & cricket: go for it, boys
India’s team coach Gary Kirsten encourages his players to have a ball before a big game
After years of edicts from sports coaches that there should be no hanky-panky before big games - England's football coach Fabio Capello has simply banned wives and girlfriends from the team hotel - the great South African cricketer Gary Kirsten, who now coaches the Indian team, has advised his players that an active sex life can help them win.
On the eve India's opening game in the Champions Trophy one-day tournament in South Africa, a leaked dossier reveals Kirsten's advice to his players: "Does sex increase performance?" Answer: "Yes, it does, so go ahead and indulge."
According to the Hindustan Times, which got hold of the document, the advice continues: "From a physiological (body) perspective having sex increases testosterone levels, which causes an increase in strength, energy, aggression and competitiveness. Conversely, not having sex for a few months causes a significant drop in testosterone level in both males and females with the corresponding passiveness and decrease in aggression."
Tim Noakes, a professor of exercise and sports science at the University of Cape Town, is quoted in the dossier saying pre-match sex is not a problem - it's staying up drinking until 2am on the eve of a game that can disrupt performance.
Andrew Strauss, who will lead England against Sri Lanka at The Wanderers on Friday, reacted to the news of the dossier with a captain's sense of decorum: "With regards to sexual habits, I don't think that has come up in any of our dossiers." His spin bowler Graeme Swann, however, called the revelation "just the sort of positive thinking that cricket needs".
Neither man commented on another aspect of Kirsten's advice - that 'going solo', a euphemism for masturbation, is also encouraged. "If you want sex but do not have someone to share it with, one option is to go solo whilst imagining you have a partner or a few partners who are as beautiful as you wish to imagine. No pillow talk and no hugging required... Just roll over and go to sleep."
The London cricket correspondent who responded "Surely we've got enough wankers in the game without encouraging more?" will not be named here. ·
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Full marks to the London cricket correspondent! He deserves to be named and given an MBE.
My experience in international athletics told me that top-class young athletes can manage feats under and outside the blanket which beggar the imagination. They certainly did NOT need the advice of a middle-aged cricket coach!
I look forward to Mr Kirsten's diaries. Will they include some information on Hanse Cronje, poor fellow, who needed more than sex to make cricket exciting enough?