Mandy for PM! Oh yes?

It could be a sign of desperation in the Labour ranks or simply the silliest of silly season stories for a very long time: the notion, floated over the weekend by the Mirror, the Mail and the Telegraph, that Lord Mandelson might be spirited out of the House of Lords under new legislation and given a "safe seat" as a commoner at the next election, thus enabling him to stand against Gordon Brown as Labour leader and - presumably once David Cameron has had his turn in Number Ten - return in triumph as Prime Minister.

Where does the Mole begin to knock this absurd story on the head - and persuade readers not to have a flutter at the bookies, even at odds of 20-1?

First, there is a question of the prince of darkness's popularity, or lack thereof. Yes, he has undoubtedly saved Brown's bacon several times since he returned from Brussels to become Business Secretary. Yes, he is a brilliant political strategist. But PM? As a senior Labour man put it to the Mole last night, "The thing about Peter is he is a bastard. But at least he's our bastard."

Transport minister Sadiq Khan, asked by Sky News yesterday for his thoughts on the story, put it more diplomatically: "Lord Mandelson is doing a great piece of work, he is doing a great job, he is a heavyweight, he has experience." He concluded: "He can do that job from the Lords or the Commons. We are lucky to have him."

Then there's the notion put forward on the BBC's Andrew Marr Show yesterday - very ably hosted in his absence by Stephanie Flanders (watch out, Andrew) - that Mandelson doesn't care what people think of him, and that's what gives him his strength. "Oh yes?" responded the Mole's Labour chum when that theory was put to him. "Try telling that to anyone who's crossed him!"

And what of this "safe seat" he's going to be given? Since when - in the past year - has Labour had any safe seats to hand out? "There are one or two left - just," said the Mole's Labour man. "But parachuting in candidates has become incredibly unpopular with the party locally."

Which just leaves us with the minor matter of whether the country is yet ready for its first openly gay prime minister? "Actually," said the Mole's Labour contact, "that might be the least of his problems. I think we probably could cope with that - though of course, he is rather exotically gay, isn't he?"

And what does Mandy himself make of all this? The Mail on Sunday headline described Lord Mandelson as being "intrigued" by the plot.
But, oddly, nowhere in the article was this stood up. However, a spokesman for his lordship was quoted as saying: "It's nonsense. It is the start of the silly season." Hear, hear. ·