Believe me - Mitt Romney is the perfect man to lead America

A good president needs credulity. And a man who believes the Book of Mormon will believe anything

Column LAST UPDATED AT 07:46 ON Fri 9 Mar 2012
Bywater

WHAT'S the main thing we want from the President of the United States? Not what America wants. Never mind that. Those buggers get a vote. I mean the rest of us, the 99.6 per cent of the world who don't get to vote for the man who has the power really to screw things up for everyone.

Here's my vote: credulity.

That's what the President of America needs, above all. Never mind decisiveness. Never mind moral principles, political skill, the low cunning of a weasel and the self-belief of a ratsnake. What he needs is credulity. He needs to believe stuff.

In particular, he needs to believe nonsense. While everyone else is sniggering behind their hands, the President needs to be nodding seriously.

He has to nod seriously while the Israelis tell him they're going to bomb Iran because they're making nukes and they're going to push all the Israelis into the sea and dance as they watch them drown.

He has to nod seriously while the Palestinians tell him that it's all the Israelis' fault and every time an accord has almost been reached, the fact that a bunch of missiles and human bombs has zoomed across the border is just a coincidence.

He has to nod seriously while China postures, while bankers lie, while lobbyists shill. He has to listen to slit-mouthed porkers talk horseshit about the advantages of private healthcare provision, to thin-lipped economists too pussy to admit they haven't a clue, to fundamentalists and revisionists of every kidney, to racists and pro-lifers and pro-choicers and hawks and doves and crooks and frauds and, all the while, nod seriously.

And he has to do this for at least four years of daily ear-bending from people who in, any decent society, would be dragged beyond the city limits roped to the fender of a Jeep.

Imagine if the President of the United States stopped being credulous and started behaving rationally: for example, asking the IMF to name him one case in which their intervention had actually worked?

Disaster would be only a matter of time.
 
One day, he would simply find that he had had enough. And he would think "Well, fuck you," and press The Button. Boom.

Presidential credulity keeps us from annihilation. That's how it is.

So now, as the USA political system screws itself (and its electorate) up to choose a new president, I offer them a fine if underrated tool to help identify the most credulous man for the job.

That tool is: textual analysis. Not of their speeches. To hell with their speeches. Their speeches are all ad and no product. Far more useful is analysis of stuff they believe. And by that token, my man is Mitt Romney.

Yes, he is, as Alexander Cockburn wrote this week, fundamentally unlikeable. No, Super Tuesday was not a triumphant Republican landslide. Yes, he did make himself look silly by telling his competitors to throw in the towel. Yes, he has an MBA, was a management consultant, yes he advised Monsanto, yes, he has a son called Tagg, and, no, he hasn't the faintest idea what life is like for most people.

But he's a Mormon.

He's apparently quite a serious and devout Mormon. This means that he has read the Doctrine and Pearl of Great Price and, of course The Book of Mormon, which is the most important of the lot. Mark Twain said it was "like chloroform in print" but Romney, we must assume, believes it.

Now is not the time to argue about respecting other people's sincerely-held religious beliefs, except to say that holding sincere religious beliefs should be an immediate bar to holding public office.

Now is, however, the time to point out that The Book of Mormon is a fraud, repeating mis-translations and interpolations from the King James version, long since subsequently corrected (e.g. 3 Nephi 12:27, dudes). It begins with a rambling transplant from Isaiah and then, when Smith gets into the swing of it, continues as a barking parody of 17th century formal English larded with solecisms and anachronisms. The English it pastiches was designed for clarity. This is designed to obscure.

In other words, it's even more bollocks than the Bible, and I speak as an agnostic Catholic semi-Jewish atheist, so no stranger to mutually incompatible positions.

But The Book of Mormon defeated me.

You have to admire these people.  Despite everything - despite even Joseph Smith's forgetting to mention in his diary at the time that God had paid him a house call (which even doctors don't do) - they believe it.

That's the sort of credulity we so need. A President of the United States who can believe stuff that even Christians can't.

After that, the Middle East, China, the world economy, nuclear proliferation, the EU, bankers, all of it, are a piece of cake.

Romney. He's the man. You can believe me. God says I'm right.

  • The Book of Mormon by Joseph Smith, Penguin Classics. ISBN 978-0143105534

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Disqus - noscript

At last a brilliant article on the peril we may all face from an American theocracy. It just goe to show how serious some subjects can also be side splittingly humorous. Thank you so much Mr Michael Bywater.

Romney is just the ticket to guarantee Obama's reelection.  Being unfamiliar with the Mormon faith, I can't comment on it; however, it is imperiative that any church/religion be separated  from the affairs of state.  In these times, it is even more important, otherwise the radicals on all sides will have a field day and reason will be totally ignored.  It's bad enough already!

This is kind of like saying that Chamberlain's appeasement was neccessary to offset Hitler's ruthlessness, when in fact Churchill was needed to meet that threat. Your argument is not well founded. However, I will point out to you that your perception of Mormonism does not take into account that Mormons are in fact quite aware of what their detractors say behind their backs, and yet they remain faithful. This indicicates that the Mormon experience is something more than you give it credit for. It means they have a more solid foundation than your intellectual dismissal.

The author shows his ignorance of the subject he is pretending to be a master of. The book of Mormon is much deeper than this man represents it as. Book of Mormon Scholars have also gone much farther than anti-mormon detractors in proving that it is indeed an ancient document that has gotten way too many points correct to be a fraud. Don't listen to this fool. Read the Book for yourself and more importantly, ask your Father in Heaven if it is true or not.

Wow and  Amen! Perhaps they do need a spell of a Romney to bring them to their senses. 

Unfortunately it comes down to; Ron Paul - well meaning, right and without a clue about protection from outside our borders

Then poor ole Newt - the only one that knows how to speak in public as though he means what he says, often as wrong as he is in personal life.

Then that hard working Santorum - if he had not been on the wrong side of the aisle on so many votes (and he believes what his faith tells him), he has not come out with a forceful speech about what needs doing, and what he woud do.

That leaves us with Mitt - as opposed to the fellow in the White House who believes what his Muslim faith tells him, Mitt may be reading the wrong book, but at least he believes in doing good for his fellow citizens. Anyone remember the last time an LDS member tried to destroy America?Mitt does not take his play book from the writings of Cloward and Pevin, or George Soros (the puppet master), and does not have a cotorie of fellow communists draped over him. Obviously, our Dear Leader is in the wrong country, he really belongs in some one of the countries where they pray to Allah five times a day. He would certaily get ahead there...he has the background for it.

 I asked. He said "No it isn't. And further, I don't exist." I believe him because I have faith.

Yes Romney embodies religious values. How about a commitment to honesty, to loyalty to wife, family and country, to hard work and self reliance, to genuine compassionate service, to respect of anyone's right to believe as they wish?  Are these qualities you would want in a leader?

To anyone - go look through years of talks by leaders of the Mormon church; look through lesson manuals used in Sunday classes throughout the world; look through standards that youth are encouraged to live by. These are all publicly available on the internet. You will find these values woven through everywhere.

You won't see anything of the nit picking matters that opponents of the church pick up and distort as if they are what the core focus of the church is about. The church they describe is not the church that I have been in for many years.

Whatever you think of God and of the Book of Mormon and Joseph Smith, the personal qualities that arise from belief and involvement in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are ones that should be highly valued in any national leader.

No, it means that they are conditioned to unquestioning belief through their community- peer pressure.
 

 Well there you go. A classic example of missing a point completely. Actually people don't talk behind the backs of mormons they do it upfront.

 Yes indeed the bible is a highly spurious article. Supposedly written by a super deity? I don't think so.

By your reasoning Mark, you would elect a president who believes in Santa Claus if he was of otherwise good moral character and had strong values. And lets not forget Romeny accepted the values of a church that discriminated against people on the basis of the color of their skin, way into his adult life...some values!

Maya the bible has been declared a fraud, and if it really is the word of god, he should be brought to justice

Be cautious what you ask for. You're attached to the nether regions of the united states.